In the wonderful land of Cydonia, where the donkeys smelled like cabbage, and the cabbage smelled just like carrots. It was in this land of ticklish trees that there lived a three-eyed dwarf named Bob. He had a cankerous pet scorpion named poor English. Which is the way every three-eyed dwarf was named by Cydonian government regulations. No-one knew why William Wieboldt was friends with Bob but it may have something to do with how Bob played the vampire in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Which sucked as a profession, but Bob desperately needed the money since scorpions are expensive especially cankerous ones.

One day, Bob went to market with his scorpion to browse the Vegemite jars. There, he peed on the leg of a random shopper buying a striped turkey leg dispenser. The sky was suddenly very dark as a large black aerial chimpanzee hunting bananas circled the market. It was very hungry, so it grabbed English by the tail and ate the banana that protruded from him. English wasn't very happy about this occurrence. Thinking quickly, English stung the banana, thinking that it would explode! Which it did! Meanwhile back at Bob's seaside mansion, as the waves dampened the kitchen and poor Bob tried to rescue English and the semblance of pride he held dearly, the kettle boiled. Suddenly the gradual flow of time seeped out from his conscious mind the boiling kettle sang its shrill Beatles tune as if it were Black Sabbath. Suddenly time reversed and this story became a Film Noir a mass paradox of confused images of vampires, scorpions desperate for death and Bubble-gum, mingled with fluffy ponies in handcuffs panting pictures of wolves. 'Panting' not 'painting' is what was in the mind of the author, but the typist, who was blind, paradoxically screwed up. Is it finished, he wailed, as time consumed him! Times huge incisors cut English into tiny shards of grey matter.

Bob was aghast! Never before had he seen such a gruesome death. He tried to imagine that it was was not his favorite scorpion who was scattered over the ground in front of the brimming BullAnts Nest except it actually started to form a bizarre word, CALAMISTRATE! What the hell? How could "calamistrate" truly explain the grotesque occurrence?

So, Bob went insane thinking about his lost pet and he decided to attack the Olsen twins viciously. They grabbed his mighty halberd and swung it at his third eye! Bob keenly evaded but tripped and poked the eye on some sharp grass. Bob wailed, now blind in his pants. He punched the twins with his beard! They began to undress in front of him. Horrified, he also undressed. He unsheathed Double-Entendre, his trusty stick with sharp ends.

Now naked and ready for battle, Bob thrust his stick at the twins, but missed. They began a song about how they loved drugs, something that Bob found disgusting. So he interrupted the song with a jab from his trusty stick, which broke in half, causing much pain. Bob knew he was in trouble when they began to massage his tense back muscles with their cold, bony hands. So he pimp-slapped them and knocked them out stone cold.

Victorious, Bob returned to his flooded abode. Who could have imagined that it would be such an eventful day in Cydonia. Bob entered his home and observed the flood. He knelt and looked over the rooftops of the neighbors' flooded homes, and said "damn water!" Seeking a bucket, he realised the could bail the premises with a little effort, but wanted to float a dirigible over to Pizza Hut for a deep-pan full of steaming vegetables, mixed with a midget's sandal. What to do? Where to go? My arse hurts, damn William Wieboldt and his itchy privates! Why did... Oh never mind. The end is "Oh never mind" ?? Thought Bob as an armadillo ambled past the cave and meandered in with a glance. Once inside, Bob got to work cleaning out the deep dark corners of the room